Proper Perspective

Letter from Daughter to Parents Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remissin writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not havingwritten before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and theconcussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when itcaught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only getthose sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendantat the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the firedepartment and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and sinceI had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enoughto invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room,but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply inlove and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, butit will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forwardto being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it thelove, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reasonfor the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infectionwhich prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelesslycaught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injectionsI am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind andalthough not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a differentrace and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will notpermit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darkerthan ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background isgood too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in thevillage in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there wasno dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I wasnot in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not havesyphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am gettinga 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marksin the proper perspective.
Yours- Your Loving Daughter

Best Son

Four friends who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The 1st guy said “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The 2nd guy said “Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The 3rd man said “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked “What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? The 4th man replied “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper in a nightclub.” The three friends said “What a shame....what a disappointment.” The 4th man replied “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son, I love him and he’s lucky, too. His birthday just passed and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!”

Di ta guae yong khee (Tagalog language)

Nag-aaral ako sa La Salle. Ang dami kong kaklaseng Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua,Chi, Sy, Wy, at kung anu-ano pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Goako naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya angtaya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko siya sapagdalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron din angilan sa kanyang malalapit na kamag-anak.Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan.Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan dawmuna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang kanyangmga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital. Lumipat ako sa gawing kaliwa ng kama ngkanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ngmagbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay biglang nangisay angmatanda.Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad atpaulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan.

"Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yongkhee"..

paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga. Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya angpangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyangama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata angpinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko.Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin uli ang kanyang mgakamag-anak.Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi. Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba panaming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng

"Di ta guae yongkhee".


"Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba narinig 'yan?".

Mathematics of Success

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND,
look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Ang Cellphone at ang Bible

This is written in my native language Tagalog, its a funny comparison of the usage of the Bible and Cellphone. If you want an English translation inform me and I will try my best to translate it.

>
> Ang cellphone laging hawak ipinapakita,
> Ang Bible laging nakatago at ayaw ipakita.
>
> Ang cellphone binibili kahit libo-libong halaga,
> Ang Bible ayaw bilhin, kahit isang daan ang halaga.
>
> Ang cellphone laging pinapalitan ng case,
> Ang Bible hindi man lang mabilhan ng case.
>
> Ang cellphone ay ayaw magasgasan,
> Ang Bible hinahayaang maalikabukan.
>
> Ang cellphone bihirang makaligtaan kung saan iniwan,
> Ang Bible madaling makaligtaan kung saan naiwan.
>
> Ang cellphone mahirap ipahiram, baka masira,
> Ang Bible madaling ipahiram, kahit mawala.
>
> Ang cellphone laging binabasa kung may bagong message,
> Ang Bible hindi binabasa kaya hindi makita ang message.
>
> Ang cellphone message masarap i-share.
> Ang Bible verse nakakalimutang i-share.
>
> Ang cellphone pinapakita ang lifestyle ng tao,
> Ang Bible nagpapabago ng lifestyle ng tao.
>
> Ang cellphone mabilis maluma,
> Ang Bible hindi naluluma.
>
> Ang cellphone message kung minsan ay late,
> Ang Bible laging on time ang message.
>
> Ang cellphone kailangan magload para mag-message,
> Ang Bible laging fully loaded ang message.
>
> Ang cellphone ay mahalagang gamit ng tao,
> pero ang Bible ay mas mahalaga kung gagamitin ng tao.
>
> Ang ganda di ba? Sa'n ka pa?
> I-forward mo kaya o itago nlang?
> It's up to you.....
>

Why we work so hard

Want to know why u r working so hard?

On the very first day of the world, God created the cow.
He said to the cow:"Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you!
Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long.
You will provide the energy to pull things!
You will also provide milk for people to drink!
You are to work all day under the sun!
In return, you will only eat grass.
For that, you will have a life span of 50 years."
Ah Gu objected.
"What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eatgrass!
On top of that, I have to give my milk away!
This is tough and you want me to live 50 years!
I'll take 20 and you can have the remaining 30 years back!"
God agreed.

On the next day, God created the dog.
He said to the dog :"Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose.
You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house!
Should anyone come in, you are to bark at them!
In return, you will eat your master's leftovers.
I'll give you a life span of 20 years."
Ah Kow objected."
What! I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at people,
and what do I get...LEFTOVERS...This isn't right,
I'll take 10 and you can havethe remaining 10 years back!"

God agreed again.On the third day,
God created the monkey.He said to the monkey :
"Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people.
You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces!
You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them.
In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts.
For that, I'll give you 20 years to live."
Naturally the monkey objected."
This is ridiculous,I gotta make faces and make people laugh
lets not even come to the part about the trees and somersaults.
Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank youfor my existence and I'll take 10.
What do you think?"
God agreed again.

On the forth day, God created humans.
God said to the man:"You are my best piece of work,
for that, you willonly need to sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else.
You will get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys.
All you need to do is enjoy all your life.
For this kinda of life, I'll give you 20 years."
Just like the rest, the man objected.*
"What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and Ihave only 20 years to live?
Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10years from Ah Kow
and another 10 from Lao Kao and
you probably don't know what to do with all those lives.
Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?"
God being such good natured, agreed with a smile

.....AND THAT IS WHY.....

We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of ourlives when we are growing up.
Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family.
Sit outside the door and bark at people for the next 10when we are retired.
And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren for the final 10 years.